Sublime Sibling Submission


So, did I tell you about my sister? She was the one who kickety kicked the screen door down in our hotel room while we were on vacation in Lake George. Well, I’d like to tell you a little more about her.

My sister is 9 years older than I am. She also has 9 times the energy I have. She and Kiddo are bffs. She’s a very conservative type person, very logical, very responsible. However, she has become this odd virtual hippy in terms of commitment or planning.

If you say “hey, you wanna see a movie on Saturday?” (by the way, we don’t do this. Movies are a huge ass treat, and are always child-centric). She’ll say “It’s Tuesday. How can I tell you about Saturday?” But in my mind, I’ve begun to hear this – “Hey man, chill. I have no idea what the flow will be on Saturday, dig? I gotta check the mood factor and if the weather is nice, I don’t want to sit in a dark movie theater man. We need to be in nature!” I’m not a huge fan of the outdoors, even though I wish I was.

But it becomes a real problem in other aspects. Should someone want a playdate with Kiddo, I say something like “Kiddo is supposed to be home by 4 so she can play with Play-Doh Head.” My sister will say, “Really? Can’t you change it?” And I’ll say “well, no.” And she’ll say “Great. Then we can’t do such and such”. And I’ll say “You never told me about such and such”. And she’ll say “Do I have to tell you everything?”

I would like to give you a scenario, if I may, of how things happen nearly every (fucking) weekend.
Me: “Hey!”
Her: “Hello. Where do you want to go?”
Me: “I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”
Her: “Oh for Christ’s sake. Just tell me where you want to go”
Me: “Okay, how about Ihop?”
Her: “No. We’re going to the diner. Ihop sucks.”

It’s as if there is this cosmic joke made to make me feel like my opinion or choice might actually matter on this particular weekend. And then, it is cruelly smashed to the side of the road, as if tossed out the window of my sister’s Toyota. And let me just give you one more insight. If I should make plans (for me to actually go out of the house with another human or two) on a weekend night, and we’ve set up a sleepover for Kiddo, I never have any idea when she’ll pick Kiddo up. It’s like Russian Roulette. It’s good that I have no social life!!!

One more little item for your amusement.  We went out east on Long Island with our two Italian houseguests. My sister came as well.  Whilst sitting in a little cafe having a cup of tea, I noticed that people were holding my gaze and looking at me more than usual.  So I said, “Do I look weird today? People are kind of staring at me”, and she said “Hmmm, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s that you’re a grown woman wearing a zombie t-shirt and shorts in October?”  This was met with a semi icy look, so she said, in her defense, “WHAT??  You asked me!”  (In fairness, she didn’t say “grown woman”, but it was implied!)

And to sum it all up, let me say that she’s my best friend on the planet and I love her dearly.  Even when I want to strangle her!

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