My Failures – An Unfinished Expose

Failure: Vegetarianism

About 20 years ago, I embarked on the journey of meat free living. It lasted for five years. It was a stupid proposition for me, being a veggie hater. But my heart was oh so pure, and I wanted to practice what I preached, but what happened was that I ate lots and lots of starches, very few vegetables, tons of pizza and pasta. Not. Fucking. Smart!!

But I did keep up with it for five years, and I did feel good about my soul, although it was slathered in lots of fat. I fancied myself an Indian food lover, which I still believe, except that I order everything mild, which is just wrong and full of cheating goodness!

Just the best of everything

I can’t even tell you how many birthdays I spent at Gandhi – I need to take Kiddo there – it’s been too long!

Failure: Animal Activism

Once I went to Bloomingdales at Christmas time with a stocking full of coal. I smacked it down on a specific cosmetic counter and it made the loudest smack sound. I then told the poor counter girl that the stocking full of coal was for all the animal testing they’d done to make women pretty. Then I got super embarrassed and ran out. I still laugh about it to this day, and we’re again going back decades!

My friend Don was NOT a failure. He would dress up like a bunny. In a bunny costume. And he would protest fur sales and testing, you name it. The cops would come, they would arrest him, and then they’d take his mugshot both with and without the bunny head. He was brilliant, and funny and ultimately became an environmental lawyer. Me? Oh I stayed in the music business. It was fun. Ugh.  This picture?  No, that’s not Don!

Female Computer Trouble

Ding Dong the friggin virus is GONE!  Yay yay yay!!

Hey, do you remember the movie “Female Trouble” with Divine? It was one of the old John Waters Baltimore flicks. It’s one of those things that stained my mind as a young impressionable teenager, and to this day I cry “liquid eyeliner!” in a very dramatic and drag queenish way.

I have no idea what that has to do with my computer being completely dead for the past week. It’s just one of those, you know, thoughts that come up now at random moments, freaking me out and occasionally making me laugh.

So what have I been doing all this time that I’ve been PuterLess? Well, in addition to the usual mom duties, the trips to Unemployment, the tattoo being finished, I’ve watched TV and movies. Actually watched them. Weird.


Okay, well tonight the Kiddo and I began to watch “Roman Holiday”. Yeah, the one with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. She’s loving it. We were interrupted by her bedtime, but this will continue tomorrow. It’s making her want to go to Italy, which would be awesome if we had the money.

I also indulged in some horror. Oh, it was fun! This was thanks to Tyson Carter of the truly fabulous blog Head In A Vice.

The Loved Ones – Lovely Australian horror. I just couldn’t get away from my American brain, and kept thinking how amazing it was that the boy in it looked just like Kristin Stewart, and the father of psycho girl looked just like Iggy Pop. I’m an idiot. It was bloody, gory, super sick and lots of fun!

Midnight Meat Train – I think this is the best title ever. I mean, it could be some kind of wacky porn movie, or a total slasher type horror flick. Naturally it’s the latter, and it stars Bradley Cooper and Vinny Jones. Was it great? No. Of course not. Was it entertaining? Totally. I just hope Vinny didn’t get paid per word.

The other night I couldn’t sleep due to the stupid antibiotics I’m on yet again for yet another sinus infection. So I watched the entire Crimson Petal And The White mini series on Encore. I loved it. You get sick to death of hookers with a heart of gold, but a hooker with a great brain who can write is quite another thing all together. Loved it.

Frankenstein, of course. I love that movie. The book is my favorite and yes, I totally get how Hollywood this was, but it was great.  I love Boris Karloff, and I still think he was underrated as an actor.

So, anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to. How about you??

Kiddo Is Afraid

Kiddo has a fear of both feathers and birds.  This seems to have come out of nowhere (although I’m very willing to blame a Barbie movie with Kelsey Grammar in it) and it now would appear to be getting worse.

Greedy Bastards

Mozzarella Thieves!

One day last month, we were on the beach, and we had opted for a snack bar lunch on this particular day.  It was of the incredibly (un)healthy variety, and included french fries and mozzarella sticks.  Kiddo and I went and got a table to wait for the rest of our family to join us from the snack bar.  No sooner did I put the freaking food down when the biggest seagull you’ve ever seen swooped down on us like a winged gangster and stole not one, but TWO piping hot mozzarella sticks.  Now, the German tourists who were watching this found it hilarious, even when Kiddo began screaming, shaking and crying with a force and energy I had never seen from her before.  She was frozen stiff, scared to death.  My sister had just stepped out toward the table and Kiddo made a break for her.  It took us a while to calm her down, and even longer to persuade her to go back to the beach.  But when she DID go back, she was now also afraid of the waves in a sharper, more phobic way.

I love birds.  I think they’re awesome.  A friend had birds while I had cats.  Her birds were all messed up mentally because she hadn’t spent enough time with them, and when I’d sleep over, they’d break out of their cages and hop around on my face.  I just wanted to take them all home, but the cat thing made it unrealistic.  When I found out I needed surgery for what I was told was breast cancer (and which wasn’t, thank God/Goddess), I ended up wandering around NYC in a zombie like fugue.  I ended up in a pet store where I found a Sun Conure that I fell so deeply love with that I harrassed my husband over and over again to go and buy him with me.  I’d go into the store, he’d go crazy, roll around on the bottom of the cage while I stroked his tummy, he fell asleep on my finger once, and the shop people offered me their employee discount because the bond was so great.  He did end up being purchased by a nice man, but I hated him with jealousy for a year for good measure.

This fear is so difficult to understand for me, but I’m trying.  Yesterday we went to an Italian festival/carnival out on Long Island, and they had an animal station type of thing.  It was the nicest “petting zoo” I’d ever seen, because they didn’t give you pellets, they gave you fresh lettuce and carrots to feed the animals.  They had baby pigs, llamas, turtles, lizards, a dwarfish cow, bunnies, guinea pigs and a few other adorable animals, as well as some baby chickens.  Yeah.  Baby chickens.  They had mixed up some of the animals in a few spots and when I said “look honey, baby guinea pigs!” there were also some baby guinea hens and chickens.  Rigid.  White in the face.  Screams. She was not right on top of the booth – she had space. She was terrified.  I didn’t know what the hell to do.  I could see she was scaring the animals, so I had concern for both she and them.  I lifted her up and put her over the fence to my sister and husband.  She calmed down and went on a pony ride.  I stayed with the animals for a while longer because I wanted to make sure I didn’t react with annoyance or anger.  It was eye-opening.  Many parents weren’t really interested in the animals, so I ended up showing the kids how to feed them and playing with the animals.  It broke my heart that I couldn’t show Kiddo.

So, what’s next?  Therapy?  Will she outgrow this?  Ugh.  You know, she’s also very shy and finds it difficult to talk to new people, but she heard me say something complimentary about a young woman I saw with some interesting tattoo work, and she said “Mama, let me go and tell her you like the tattoos.  I’ll give her your card!”  I said how awesome it would be, and she did an amazing job.

Tomorrow, First Grade begins, and I know it’s tearing her up inside.  Mama and Papa were home most of the summer with her, so it was kind of idyllic for her (for me, it was a dream come true.) But life is going to change now and all I can offer her is a lavender bath tonight with fresh jammies, and a new school outfit for tomorrow that her aunt is buying for her as we speak.  Advice is welcome. So is criticism.  I need some help. I love this kiddo!

Oh, and thanks for listening.

Lake George Sunset

Lake George Sunset by PhilaSilva
Lake George Sunset, a photo by PhilaSilva on Flickr.

I never go away. I like to be home, and I’m kind of anti-social in a friendly way. Maybe it’s why I like to write so much. But then, you get me on the phone on the right day and bitch, I’m gonna talk for HOURS!! It’s so weird – I am such a weirdo!!

The family and I are heading to Lake George next week. I have never been there. I have no idea what to expect (well, apart from a lake, that is). Are there any tattoo shops up there that I can check out? Any artists I should meet?? And probably more importantly, are there any fun places to take the Kiddo??

Packing is just not a fun thing for me. I really suck at it, as I do at all sorts of organizational bullshit. Sean Penn said about his marriage to Madonna “we both needed a wife”. Holy shit do I get that!!!!! Man, if someone cleaned the house, did the laundry, organized my life, I’d be in much better shape, although it would really freak me out and would most likely call that person a control freak. LOL.

Wanna see what my ideal vacation would be? Check it out:

I have a few more artists to tell you about that I encountered at the convention last weekend, and I’m planning to smuggle a device along to LG where I can get some type of communication through to you. We’ll see how far that goes!

I’ll miss you while I’m gone if I don’t get to scribble, and I’ll try to jump on tomorrow for a bit. I don’t like to rush what I consider to be artist profiles, so I’ll play it by ear.

Now, have you had your little summer break / vacation yet?? Where did you go? Did you love it? Did you hate it? Were there bugs?? Were there kids?? I wanna know, so please tell me.

I Know, I Know…

I had a few hours to write this morning and I basically wasted it. I sat here and go the kiddo out with her dad, and was assaulted aurally by my shih tzu. He just kept BARKING at me. Oh my God! So then, I got totally distracted and was on my Facebook page and doing other stupid things. So now the fam is back and everyone is yelling at me, so I’m making you this promise. I will post the remainder of the convention piece within the next 36 hours. Promise!!!